5.03.2018

So Weird.

Twenty-two years ago...

Yes, over twenty years ago, I had a friend drop me with no explanation. The other night, I found out why. 

She thought I had slept with her partner.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.??

Here's the good news...

Well, I never did that first off. And second, I guess she is still pissed off at me thinking I did. 

Wow.

This solves a real mystery for me though. I had no idea why she disappeared from my life. I eventually got over it but always felt a loss. Now, knowing why she did what she did, and not having the venom in my heart or soul to be angry, I just laughed in disbelief when a friend told me this.  And what's weird, is that in going through a bunch of photos at my mom's 2 weeks ago, there is a huge amount of photos from back then and this old friend was in many of them... I had just looked at them and felt like I missed the friendship and wished this woman well. 

I had no idea a couple weeks later that this information would make it's way to me.

It's sad she hates me over something that never happened, but all she had to do was ask and she coulda saved herself a couple of decades of hating someone. 

I gots a bunch of gratitude for keeping my side of the street clean... and for having integrity in my sober years. I would never have done something like that. I hope she finds some peace. 

Life is complicated enough these days... love and gratitude are pretty much the damn finest things ever. 

 

4.29.2018

Productive day...

Saturday was good. Long but super productive and several crates of albums are in Bisbee. I have probably 7 or so more to bring. But I loaded up what would fit, and beat the heat outta The Baked Pueblo.  The may end up being a storage thingy, there could possibly be an estate sale, and there will be dump runs. But come hell or high water that house is gonna be empty in four weeks.

My own house is a disaster zone with all of this stuff coming here. It’s unnerving and frustrating but I just need to figure out a good plan for storing it. It’s gonna end up being some form of storage. There are 6 boxes of slides and 4 boxes of photo albums alone! It’s gonna get done, but summer is my least favorite season... (ya think?) and it is basically hell here now till sometime in September.

And I stayed  on task and on schedule so I got home in time to see The Exbats at Poco. A nice reward.  Took a header over a dog leash and banged up my good knee and gave myself a couple well places bruises.. but if that’s t was the only shitty thing all day. Gotta put this day in the win column.

4.27.2018

So much.

Ebb and flow.

Acceptance and refusal.

Judas Priest! Where are the grey areas?

The Mother Unit's house is in escrow.
Change is inevitable.
The crunch to empty her house is upon me.
I have too many of the feels.
Summer looms.
Everything is dusty. Everything... everywhere.
There's no room to put anything.
Thanking my lucky stars for A.A..
There aren't enough tacos to soothe me.
It's all going along the way it's supposed to.

Every week is a whirlwind of overwhelming duties at work, home, and for The Mother Unit but there are big lessons for me on where I am seriously lacking in my ability to stay present. Having an edge to me the last couple weeks hasn't served me that well "in the moment", but it's taught me more about the need to be better to myself. Rambling on like this does little to help anyone else, but it's good for me to see what's really there when I try to get it all out.

There are good things afoot too...  Susan Werner is confirmed for Bisbee in September and with that being the bucket list show I want to present it'll either spur me on to do more... or I'll quit bringing shows on my own personal high note. Could go either way.

And I gave my pal Inez a driving lesson last night to get her some parallel parking skills and time behind the wheel before she goes and gets her license for the first time. I think of The Mother Unit and the patience she must have had when she was a driving instructor... I dunno how she did it.  I'm more of a cheerleader affirming that this or that was well done.

And with at least 4 wholesale orders waiting for me at the shoppe... I'm off to be a bagging dervish.  I do love this job. Massively grateful for the chance to work for Seth.

It's good to stay positive.

I'm gonna add that to my daily mantra...

4.03.2018

Always know that I love you.

A dear friend made sure to tell me that no matter how far away or how long it had been... she wanted me to know she loved me.

Sometimes I have no clue how I get through my days much less navigating this world basically alone as a force of one.

And then a friend says something like that and everything lightens up and that nagging loneliness that's sometimes there is gone for a bit.

I say the same to my friends... but I don't always let in that they care too. This one resonated. And that feeling is carrying me through.

Sometimes it's just a cup of coffee, tacos, music, sunrises, maybe some more coffee, or just slowing down to appreciate each other.




4.01.2018

Julien Baker.

I seem to uave fallen down a hole..

A hole called watching endless Julien Baker videos.  That young lady has a sound.. it’s so good.

I have gone through her Tiny Desk Concert, two live 30 minute sessions and now am watching a video of a show she did in Brussels. She is like 20 yeara old and mad talented. Also articulate and educated. What’s not to totally love here? I mean.. I am fairly jaded and this really checks my boxes for worthy of all the attention she gets.

I did that rabbit holing to pay homage to Easter. When you don’t have religion, you do what you do. And today it was laundry, yardwork, vacuuming, and rearranging the other room in the house a bit to get ready for all that vinyl that is coming down here from Tucson  this is all after I drove in from The Baked Pueblo with a car full of stuff.

There is a pile of pillows four feet high on the couch and I am nestled into a empty space in the corner. The pillows and the twin bed go back over to the other house in a day or two. The house is not completely disembowled... I kept going on the projects as best I could. Low energy this whole weekend made for lackluster progress, but I showed up and definitely did things.

I am worried about The Mother Unit’s eye.. maybe it’s not quite right. She has an emergency follow up in the am that I am not going to be at. Just gonna have to cross my fingers and hope nothing really yucky had happened in the early stages of this recovery.

I can’t fix it.. that’s for sure. Music soothes the mind in a big way. And right now Julien Baker is helping greatly.

3.30.2018

It could be happening.

This has been a roller coaster week.

A few really great things happened the most important being The Mother Unit finally had her first cataract surgery! She seems to be recovering well and should be on track for the other eye in a month. However, she did get quite ill from the anesthesia. That was tough and involved barf boxes (plural) and some cleanup. She was miserable. Medical marijuana sublinguals saved the day when we got back to Starfishy homebase. I am excited for her to get her sight back to a higher quality and maybe get to read a book or actually see her tv.

I also got a good hang with my pal Cathryn who has always been a great friend and confidant. Since the election and having seen my bestie go to her husbands side more  I have been without anyone really close to me to confide in. It’s a tremendous hole in my life and heart. We still see each other, but maybe monthly vs a few times a week. So my heart was filled up on so many levels by getting time with Cathryn.

And last, but not least..
That bucket list show I have been working on bringing to Bisbee may be happening. I got a
text from the artist yesterday pitching a date and I in turn emailed the booking agent and made an offer. Now I wait to hear. It would truly be a great accomplishment for me. Just like the 5 years of working to get Mia Dyson here.. this current one has been more than 10 years in the wanting.


3.22.2018

What am I seeing here?














This. Is. The. Purple. Death.

I just spent an hour disassembling my dishwasher and fishing this fucking purple gasket from a plastic storage thingy out of the bowels of the appliance.

This is the kind of dumb stuff you have to do when you live too far from a reputable appliance repair person.

The end result?

I just fixed my own dishwasher and didn't have to spend a dime.

I feel accomplished and of course, caffeinated.


3.17.2018

Baked Pueblo.

Heading to The Baked Pueblo again to try and make more progress in the cleaning out of The Mother Unit's house to get it ready for sale.

This is way more emotional than I had ever bargained for and has me moving much slower than I would have hoped. I'll get it done, but I am a month behind schedule.

It's a beautiful morning, so one moment at a time oughta serve me well. Go do what you can is my motto.

And stay away from all St Patty's Day anything.

3.10.2018

Phoenix.

That northern area called Phoenix is a chore.

Maneuvering around its streets and freeways is not my idea of a good time, but I managed to do most of that during non rush hour times. Judging by the response to my pitches at all of the Whole Foods stores, I believe we will have all of them ordering coffee in the next couple of weeks.

Patting myself on the back and being grateful as hell for the chance to go out and futher this coffee revolution. There is coffee on those shelves that is nowhere near as good as ours for double the price. We may not be the best at marketing, but we got the flavor and the love.

Getting to see k.d. lang on Thursday didn’t suck either.
Holy shit that show was fantastic! Highly recommend seeing the Ingenue Redux Tour! Then sprinkle in some visits with friends up there and you have a very heartwarming experience in a city I can easily do without. I’m tired and have too much to do today but I’ll plod thru and hopefully make it home for The Return of the Turkey Vulture Parade and the Tales From The Trash at Central School.

No rest for the wicked.

3.05.2018

BBQ.

Sometimes you just need a good bit of something on a grill.

I did that up for The Mother Unit on Saturday. Ribeye, baked potato, sweet peas and some laughter. It was sparked by some of her lab results indicating some red meat might be a good thing for her.  There is a reason I left the bbq grill at her house... and this is it.

The weather was beautiful, there was progress made at her house getting things out, and my brain is not too taxed but I am once again behind on my own chores at home, but that just means double duty today and tomorrow. I can deal with that. This is all temporary. I guess everything is temporary in the grand scheme of things.

We Cancerians don't naturally let go of ideas or things. It's a process.. to put it gently.

I think this week is gonna fly by. Too much on deck. But at least I am not bored or floundering. I'll take it.

2.28.2018

Weather

It was super cold, and downright crappy weather driving in this morning. Certainly not used to that these days. I have become a fair weather driver. My funny little Scion does ok, but it’s times like this I kinda long for a higher profile vehicle.

I’ll be honest..
I have been dreaming of getting my little canned ham trailer from my pal who has been keeping it safe and converting it into a little coffee and donut cart. Would need a beefier truck to pull it.. Just a little thing to make some extra money and try to do something fun. I have no real interests/hobbies other than pinball and music. I am gonna need something to focus some creative energy on.. my creative joo joo is not extensive, but at some point I gotta either get the trailer back or give her the title and say thanks for taking care of it.

Purging stuff and being aware of the amount of unfulfilled dreams and ideas attached to things is a weird process. It is a real journey. No sounding board, and somewhat rudderless, I am doing all I can as I continue to clean out my mom’s house and get things gone. This is kinda hard. Some fun would be nice.

2.12.2018

Shipwrecked.

I am going into the Folk Alliance Conference with no cell phone.

So far life has been pretty damn fine without the damn thing and I may just have to make more of a habit of forgetting my phone. Of course I felt like a dumbass and panicked initially, but I can do my job just fine one way or another.

I am not in demand, I know where I need to be, and I have coffee.

I'll be fine.

I hope.

2.03.2018

Heathers.

Choosing to watch vhs movies while going through stuff tonight. First was Repo Man.. now Heathers. Sets a mood, that’s for sure.

There is more stuff here that needs true going through and care than I had any idea about. The pictures of four generations are overwhelming. I do feel an obligation to be respectful. And so I am being just that. I’ll take them all to Bisbee and store them.

A good size truckload of stuff will be going to a thrift shop, and a load of stuff will come home with me. Yhis has to get done. There is a little bit of order peeking through the chaos here and the yard sale/estate sale will get a bunch of the chaos cleared out.  None of this is easy.

Stay the course. Do what you can. That’s my motto.